I was naturally concerned when I saw the recent articles about the proliferation of crap books with bylines designed to impersonate established, well-respected authors. Jane Friedman did a great post on this. Some time later, Chris Fox revealed another twist on the scammer problem. Fox predicts that these kind of quality control issues will hurt Amazon in the long term.

I believe I have them all beat. What I’m reporting here is not a scam issue. At least, I don’t think it is. I do think it’s just an egregious example of nonexistent quality control.

I looked at one of my self-pubbed books the other day on Amazon, and discovered this.

Yes, folks! I am no longer an author of books, but of PANTS!

What rankles me most about this is, I’m a past author of PANTS as well. Here’s a screenshot from fall of 2019. Notice the “title” of the book, and the choice of “colors.”

No matter the genre, I am forever "Joey Pants" D’Agnese, apparently. Here’s a screenshot for a epic fantasy book I wrote. Notice how the title and the choice of colors is completely inappropriate. This is also from fall of 2019.

At least, in the past, they simply screwed up the title of my book, inserted color choices, and other absurd language. (“100% Polyester! Labeled with Chinese size!”)

But now, in 2023, they’re keeping the correct title and simply inserting a picture of a stack of trousers, which, as you know, are a ripping good read!

When contacted, a KDP rep hilariously said, “Oh, well, this is fixable.” She promised to get back to me in 1-2 days’ time, but I’m not holding my breath. After all, my pants are a little tight as it is, and I like to stay comfortable when I’m at my desk.

Seriously, though: This has been going on with my books for four years. Usually it happens when I first upload a book. The pants make an appearance, then I contact the ’Zon and they make them go away. Sometimes the pants make an ugly return, and I have to contact KDP customer service yet again to make the pants disappear.

No one has been able to explain why it happens. And yes, before you ask, the error propagates to all the international stores in Amazon’s stable. Japanese pantsu, Italian pantaloni, French pantalon, and so on.

No one can tell me why it is always pants.

No one can tell me why it happens to my self-pubbed books, say, and not the traditionally pubbed books as well. There are never any good answers. Just an endless game of Whac-A-Pants.

Which really makes me think they are driving themselves off a cliff. Until they fix this latest problem, I’ll be occupying myself by curling up and reading a nice pair of pants.